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Non-monogamy

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Depiction of many types of non-monogamy and how they overlap

Non-monogamy (or nonmonogamy) is an umbrella term that describes a relationship arrangement where one or more partners are not sexually and/or romantically exclusive to each other.[1] Monogamy and non-monogamy are not strictly binary categories, but rather exist on a continuum encompassing various degrees of exclusivity and openness - at one end of this continuum lie strictly monogamous relationships, while at the other end are openly non-exclusive arrangements with numerous nuanced forms of varying degrees of openness in between.[2][3][4][5] Non-monogamous relationships have been practiced across cultures and throughout history, reflecting diverse social norms, legal frameworks, and personal preferences.[6][7][8]

In contemporary discourse, non-monogamy is understood to encompass a variety of practices, ranging from culturally institutionalised arrangements like polygamy to consensual agreements such as open relationships and polyamory, as well as non-consensual forms like infidelity.

Major Forms of Non-Monogamy

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In the Western world, from a legal perspective, marrying more than one person is not permitted, as the law recognises only monogamous marriage—a union between two individuals.[9][10] However, in many other regions, particularly Muslim-majority countries, polygamy is legally recognized and culturally normalized.[11] Another key characteristic that distinguishes different forms of nonmonogamous relationships is whether they are practiced with the knowledge and consent of all involved parties. These distinctions allow non-monogamy to be broadly categorised into three major forms:

  • Culturally institutionalised non-monogamy refers to legally and culturally sanctioned practices of non-exclusive relationships that are formalised, regulated, and embedded within specific cultural traditions. The most prominent example is polygamy, which includes polygyny (when a man has more than one wife at the same time), and, less commonly, polyandry (when a woman has more than one husband), and polygynandry (a group marriage when more than one husband is married to more than one wife).[12][13] Other culturally embedded practices, such as temporary marriages (e.g., Nikah Mut'ah in Shia Islam), may also fall under this category.[14]  
  • Consensual non-monogamy (CNM), also known as ethical non-monogamy (ENM), refers to a relationship that explicitly allows for extra-dyadic romantic or sexual relationships.[15][16] Consensual non-monogamy can take many different forms, depending on the needs and preferences of the individuals involved in specific relationships. The most studied and prevalent forms of consensual non-monogamy are swinging, polyamory, and open relationships.[17][18] In a swinging relationship a couple tend to engage in sexual activities with people other than their primary partner, typically at a party or in another social settings.[19] Polyamorous relationships are those in which people experience both sexual and emotional relationships with multiple partners concurrently, placing emphasis on a romantic and emotional aspects of the relationship, rather than on strictly sexual.[19][20] An open relationship is a relationship arrangement in which one or both partners seek sexual relationships independently of each other.[19] Some authors suggest the concept of relationship anarchy, which describes intimate relationships characterised by principles aligned with anarchism, that include autonomy, the rejection of hierarchies, the absence of state intervention, rejection of societal norms, and a focus on community interdependence.[21] Unlike culturally institutionalised non-monogamy, CNM typically exists outside legal frameworks, as it does not involve formal marriage to multiple partners, but relies on mutual consent.
  • Non-consensual non-monogamy (NCNM), commonly known as infidelity or cheating, refers to a situation in which one or both partners in a committed relationship engage in secret extra-dyadic sexual or romantic relationships with one or more additional partners, without the knowledge or consent of the other partner/s.[22][23]

It is important to note that the above-described categories are not mutually exclusive or collectively exhaustive as individual experiences often diverge from standard definitions due to the intricate nuances inherent in the complexity of human sexual relationships.[19][24] The fluid and complex nature of human sexual and romantic relationships allows for diverse expressions that may not fit neatly into a single category, with subtle nuances often blurring the boundaries between these forms.[25][26][1]

Prevalence

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Non-monogamy is practiced globally, but its prevalence varies significantly depending on cultural, legal, and societal factors.

  • Culturally Institutionalised Non-Monogamy. Polygamy is permitted in many Muslim-majority countries and is most often found in sub-Saharan Africa, where 11% of the population lives in arrangements that include more than one spouse.[27] In some countries like Saudi Arabia, Iran and Qatar polygamy is a common practice regulated by a Family Law and in other countries like Pakistan, Egypt and Morocco, Indonesia and Malaysia polygamy is allowed only under strict conditions like first wife’s disability or infertility.[28] Reliable statistics on the prevalence of polygamous marriages in Gulf countries and Sub-Saharan Africa are limited. Existing evidence suggests that while Islamic law permits polygamy in some regions, its actual practice is relatively uncommon and varies widely by country. For instance, the 2017–18 Jordan Population and Family Health Survey found that approximately 4% of married women reported their husband had other wives, being most common among women with no education (13%).[29] In contrast, the 2017 Senegal DHS reported that 32% of married women were in polygynous unions, demonstrating that rates can differ significantly across regions.[30]
  • Consensual non-monogamy. Studies suggest that CNM arrangements, such as open relationships and polyamory, are becoming increasingly visible in Western societies. It is estimated that up to 5% of Americans,[31] 2.5% of Canadians,[32] around 3% of Norwegians,[33] and 3.3% of Dutch and Flemish[34] are engaged in consensual non-monogamy at an any given time and around a quarter of the Americans, Canadians, Norwegians, and Dutch and Flemish at least once have engaged in a consensually non-monogamous relationship in their lifetime.[32][35][33][34] In two surveys in 2013 and 2014, one fifth of surveyed single United States adults had, at some point in their lives, engaged in consensual non-monogamy.[36] In 2020 a YouGov poll reported that about one-third of US adults believe that "their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to some degree."[37]
  • Non-consensual non-monogamy (NCNM). Measuring the prevalence of infidelity presents significant methodological challenges, as estimates vary depending on the research design, sample population, and the definition of adultery used by the researchers. Studies differ in whether they categorize infidelity as sexual, emotional, or both, and they rely on respondents’ subjective interpretations of what behaviors qualify as unfaithful – ranging from sexual intercourse to kissing, or even online interactions like cybersex. Additionally, infidelity is often underreported due to associated guilt and shame, leading to potential biases in self-reported data.[38][39] Typically, studies report infidelity rates in the range from 26% to 75%.[40][41][42] Infidelity is more common among cohabiting and dating couples compared to married couples.[42] Infidelity shows seasonal variation and peaks in the summer months as this is a period associated with travel that likely facilitates sex with a partner in a geographically different location thereby decreasing the chance of detection.[39] While older studies report men engaging in infidelity more often than women, more recent studies report that men and women engage in infidelity at similar rates.[39]

Terminology

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Many terms for non-monogamous practices are vague, being based on criteria such as "relationship" or "love" that are themselves subjectively defined. There are forms of non-monogamy whose practitioners set themselves apart by qualifiers, such as "ethically non-monogamous" which intends a distancing from the deceit or subterfuge they perceive in common cheating and adultery. This usage creates distinctions beyond the definitions of the words.

Some useful terms are Metamour or Meta, the common term for a person with whom a partner is shared, V-Structure, one person is equally involved with two partners,[43] and Triads / Quads. The latter is when three or four participants make up the primary partnership.[44][45][46]

An alternative to the blue, red, black, and yellow polyamory flag

Forms of non-monogamy are varied. They include a casual relationship, sometimes called friends with benefits,[47] which is a primarily physical relationship between two people with low expectations of commitment or emotional labor, and an open relationship (incl. open marriage), referring to one or both members of a committed (or married) couple have the express freedom to become sexually active with others,[48] Other forms include sexual activities involving more than two participants at the same time, referring to group sex[49][50][51] orgies,[52] and threesomes, a primarily sexual arrangement involving three people.[53][54] There's also relationship anarchy where participants are not bound by set rules in relationships other than whatever is explicitly agreed upon by the people involved,[55] and swinging, which refers to an organized social activity, often involving some form of group sex and sometimes simply trading partners with other swingers.[56] There's also concepts such as Polyfidelity, where participants have multiple partners but restrict sexual activity to within a certain group,[57] and a situation where there is a main romantic relationship with all other relationships being second to it, known as primary/secondary.[44] One of the most well-known forms is polygamy,[58] where one person is married to multiple partners. This has three primary sub-forms: polyandry where a woman has multiple husbands,[59] group or conjoint marriage,[60] and polygyny, referring to a man has multiple wives.[61] The latter is more widespread in Africa than in any other continent,[62] especially in West Africa[63] and in North America, it is practiced by some Mormon sects, such as the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (FLDS Church).[64][65]

It is sometimes confused with polyamory, referring to when participants have multiple romantic partners[66][67] It comes in various forms, such as hierarchical polyamory, where there is a primary romantic relationship with all other relationships being secondary to it, kitchen table polyamory which refers to people are expected to know one another and be comfortable in each others' company,[68][69] and parallel polyamory, with relationships between people who are kept separately, all may be aware of each other, but are not expected to be friends.[70] There is also group marriage, where several people form a single familial unit and each person considered to be married to all other members. Line families are a form of group marriage intended to outlive its original members by ongoing addition of new spouses[71] and poly families, which is similar to group marriage, but some members may not consider themselves married to all other members.[72]

Favorable preexisting conditions before non-monogamy

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The most commonly used symbol is the heart and infinity. It has been altered to reflect personalities and tastes of those who have adopted the symbol for their own. Several versions of the infinity-heart are now used to signify non-monogamy.

Michael Shernoff cites two studies in his report on same-sex couples considering non-monogamy.[73] Morin (1999) stated that a couple has a very good chance of adjusting to non-exclusivity if at least some of the following conditions exist. This includes both partners wanting their relationship to remain primary, the couple having an established reservoir of good will, and a minimum of lingering resentments from past hurts and betrayals.[73] Other conditions include the partners in agreement on the question of monogamy/non-monogamy and the partners feeling similarly powerful and autonomous. Additionally, Green and Mitchell (2002) stated that direct discussion of the following issues can provide the basis for honest and important conversations, including openness versus secrecy, volition and equality versus coercion and inequality.[73] Other issues include clarity and specificity of agreements versus confusion/vagueness, honoring keeping agreements versus violating them, and how each partner views non-monogamy. According to Shernoff,[73] if the matter is discussed with a third party, such as a therapist, the task of the therapist is to "engage couples in conversations that let them decide for themselves whether sexual exclusivity or non-exclusivity is functional or dysfunctional for the relationship."

Public health and morality

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The poly pride flag is, possibly, the first symbol created for the poly community and was created by Jim Evans.

The concepts of monogamy and marriage have been strongly intertwined for centuries, and in English-language dictionaries one is often used to define the other, as when "monogamy" is "being married to one person at a time."[74][75][76] A common antonym is polygamy, meaning to have more than one spouse at one time.[77] As a result, monogamy is deeply entrenched within many religions, and in social regulations and law, and exceptions are condemned as incursions on both morality and public health.

To some, the term non-monogamy semantically implies that monogamy is the norm, with other forms of relational intimacy being deviant and therefore somehow unhealthy or immoral.[78] This concern over sexually transmitted diseases is despite the common practice of regular testing and sharing of recent test results prior to engaging in sexual activity.

It is often assumed that people who participate in non-monogamous sexual relationships have a higher rate of STIs. Despite reporting a higher number of sexual partners, research suggests that the risk of transmitting STIs is no higher than they are among the monogamous population.[79] This is because the non-monogamous community is more likely to be regularly tested and more open about their results.[citation needed] The stigma of receiving a positive result is diminished, resulting in better treatment options and fewer people who are unwittingly transmitting the disease because they were not told by the person who gave it to them.

See also

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References

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